Yui's Philosiphy
by Sakura Cherries
Summary: Yui's thoughts on certain subjects. Raited PG13 for...oddness, ^^; and cursing. Please R & R! ^___^
1. Chapter one: Pessimism

      You know what I've realized? That no matter how hard you try, everything comes out futile in the end. Sort of a pessimistic outlook on life, ne? Well, that's not too hard to identify with…think about it for a second. Remember the time when you were running around in your grandma's house, and broke that old porcelain vase? So you pieced it back together, right?

      I can see you shaking your head now. No, you say. Yui, you're wrong. But alas…I am right. You took several hours to fix it…and then your sibling broke it again, right? But Yui, you say, that's just one incident. It might be, my friend, but apply it to other situations. You practiced drawing every day as a child, spent too much to describe of your own pocket money on lessons…and still never got to be an artist. You were punctual, perfect…but where did you turn up? In a living hell.

     Scowl at me if you must. I'm no idiot; I can tell about you by looking…it's a power I have inherited from Nagako. He taught me. He taught me everything…no? You don't think so? Well, who cares what you think! Nagako isn't betraying me, nor is he lying. He is my friend, my teacher, and nearly my life. Well…should I correct that? Do I even have a life?

     I wish I didn't. I wish that I could bestow revenge on Miaka, and then perhaps lie in eternal and blissful sleep. Why do I need this? Let me pose a very personal question to YOU for a second…what would you do if your heart was broken? What would you do if you sunk so low that suicide was the only answer?

     And you say to me, Yui, suicide is never the only option. Well, yes. Yes it is. I can see that you're scared…and what is so scary about me brandishing a knife under your nose? What is so scary about me screaming at you to shut up? And you're shaking, and I'm laughing…and then Nagako comes in…and does nothing about it.

      He does nothing about me, threatening to kill myself…he does nothing about me, tossing the knife up in the air, and catching it by the handle—an accident waiting to happen…he does nothing about me, screaming and laughing and everything else I can think of at the moment. And in a second, through my tears of rage and pessimism and depression, I can see that he doesn't care.

      And that's when reality gave me a nice big slap in the face.

     The mark is still there, no doubt…I still feel embarrassed for ever being led astray, for ever being blinded by my own anger. But I'm different now, and that's really what matters, right? I'm not suicidal (that word sounds so strange to me now) and I'm not so dense. I'm in love! Though with whom you won't find out. Nagako was tricking me…I believed in him so strongly, though, and I still think about him a lot…and wonder if he meant to fake everything.

     After believing in something so firmly, and grasping onto it as if I was a small child dependent on it's mother's milk…it seems that I can't let go. I just can't let go.


	2. Chapter two: Love

Aa, love…there is many ways to say love, you know. Ai. Amore. Elske. Kasih. Amor. Love. And I could go on and on and on, but I'm positive that you really don't care.

     There's a word, that can be easily associated with love, you know. Kega. Dolere. Sår. Sakit. Vulnero. Hurt. And, as last, I could go on…but I won't.

    No, you don't have to be concerned like that! As I told you last time…I'm different. And, I wasn't loved and then hurt.

    Well…actually…I kinda was. I mean, good heavens! I didn't LOVE Nagako, but I certainly did trust him to a scary extent. And, like I told you, I have my special someone…but I'm not going to tell you. He could be listening.

    I was thinking about how sometimes the hurt eclipses the heart…that happened to me. I'm still scarred. It still burns with newly torn flesh…but I'll live. At least, that's what I think. But then again, isn't that what everyone thinks?

   I suppose you're right. I shouldn't worry so much about something like love…but seriously. There are others so wrapped up in love and needing it and wanting it that there's nothing else to keep you sustained right here, down-to-earth.

    Okay. I promise. I'll stop worrying for right now…but, once I am hurt…that wound will re-open…and this time, I won't be so prepared…


	3. Chapter three: Miaka Yuuki and myself, Y...

       Miaka. Miaka Yuuki. I suppose I should tell you something on her—after all, she was my best friend. I hope she still is now—I made some pretty fucked up decisions in the past, and I really didn't mean to.

       Miaka's kinda stupid. She likes to eat a lot, and is clumsy—but, when you get to learn her, she isn't really as much so as you would expect. We've been best friends for as long as I can remember. We're the kind of friends who stick together through thick and thin…

     …Until we found the book. And I really thought she knew. Oh? I didn't tell you? Well, we were so close that we even had _ties_ to each other. When wearing our school uniforms, we could hear each other talking. I thought she knew about those. So…I thought she would try to always wear her uniform, just like I did….

      But she didn't know. So, when I got sucked back into the book, some guys advanced on me. And I kept on calling and calling…sorry, I don't mean to cry…but I kept calling for her and she never heard me. Eventually, they knocked me unconscious and I don't know what happened after that. But I _do _know this—Nagako rescued me. He told me—when I woke up, that is—that I had been raped by the men.

     I didn't know he was using me then. I didn't know he saved me right before they could, because he needed a virgin priestess, so I was torn. I was so sad that Miaka didn't try to help, that she didn't come to my aid…that I tried committing suicide. But I instantly forgave her the next time I saw her, because that time, she had come for me!

     Later, I heard her talking to Tamahome. He's her boyfriend, you know. She made it sound like she had only come back into the book to save Tamahome, not me.

     That really shattered my little world. It really did.

     From then on, I wanted nothing to do with Miaka. I wanted her put to a bloody end, even if it killed me, too. Eventually, it did. She tried to tell me that Nagako was using me that it was all nothing more than a lie but I didn't listen. I summoned Seiryuu…what? You don't know what Seiryuu is? Aa, this is getting repetitive. Okay, Seiryuu is the dragon god that reigned over the empire. I was the Priestess of Seiryuu, thus having the power to summon him and get 3 wishes.

      My first wish was that Suzaku be sealed for eternity. I was really pissed at Miaka and anyone who would support her, so I did what I could to make their lives a living hell. Then I wished that Miaka and I went back to the real world—this was to separate her and her love, Tamahome. It worked, until some how we ended back where we started. (Don't ask how.) But then…Miaka tried SO HARD to tell me that Nagako was lying. But I'd rather die then believe her.

    Then, she gave me a letter written by the original owner of the book…it was about how if you got the third wish, you would be devoured by the god unless you had a very strong will. And both Miaka and I knew that if I even _had_ a will, it would be very weak. I ran off to go talk to Nagako about it, to see if it was true.

    I confronted him, fully confident that my heart wouldn't be hurt a second time. I asked him about the lying, about _everything._ And…he admitted. He said that he wasn't using me and that I was going to be devoured by the god, but he also said that I promised him the last wish. I went hysterical. I was crying and screaming and I ran off. 

    Nagako trapped me in a barrier. He told me that if I didn't make my wish, and make him a god, then Miaka would die. The blood ran cold in my body. I knew he wasn't lying—he was a heartless bastard, and would do anything for himself. After all I went through…after betraying countless people without even knowing…after wanting to tear Miaka to bloody strands of flesh and bone…

    I started crying. I didn't know what to do. _Miaka_ had been telling me the truth the whole time. MIAKA! DAMNIT! I'm…I'm sorry, I don't mean to cry, I really don't…but Damnit! She was the one telling me the truth, and I was too blind to see that I was just a pawn in Nagako's game. Because of everything _I_ had done, the world might come to an end.

    Nagako started throwing stones at Miaka, and I knew that she was going to die if I didn't make up my mind…and fast. I made up my mind. Even though it would be hard…I told Miaka that I was sorry for being such a bitch. I quietly make my last wish…and then everything goes black, and for how long I don't know.

    …However, that wasn't the last of me. If it was, do you honestly think I'd be here talking to you right now? I'll tell you my last wish—it was to give Miaka the power to summon Suzaku. But that's as far as I'm going, because I _should_ be explaining to you about Miaka, not just everything I've been through.

    Miaka's a better friend to me than I am to her.  I know it. She's believed in me, and never once turned her back on me even though I did to her numerous times. I feel awful—I did all that was in my small little power to make her life a living hell. I thought she had given up hope, but I know she never did. She tried to tell me, and she tried so hard. It's my fault that I was oblivious to her calls.

     Maybe it's that she was thick. I don't know. Maybe it's that she was brave. I'll never know. But I do know this—Miaka will be one of the greatest people I ever encountered.


	4. Chapter four: Light is to Darkness as Fr...

      I know that I've already told you about how betrayal and friendship has changed me, and how I feel about it. But please, just sit and listen…I'll even make you a cup of hot chocolate if you'd like. I just need someone to hear me out.

       I've been depressed, suicidal, angry, vengeful, and everything else except for loved. No, my parents didn't love me—they were _always_ at work, and I rarely got to speak with them. It's odd…I feel cold, but warm. I try to open my eyes, but even then I only see darkness. Everything in my world is a contradiction, and I'm getting sick of these endless paradoxes.

     Please, just sit awhile. I don't want to be left here alone.


	5. Chapter five: Sickness

     Sickness…also known as a weakness of the human immune system, a flaw in which you catch _sickness._ Yep, that's right, I've got a cold. Something like it, anyways. I've got a headache, my throat is burning with soreness, my nose is stuffy and I feel like I've been beaten all over. So please don't mind my voice. 

      It's odd, because there are so many sicknesses in the world. I mean…for all you know, there could be a sickness hiding somewhere deeply, deeply in the rainforests of Brazil that could easily obliterate mankind. I don't only have sickness of the weak-little-immune-system type, but sickness of the mind and body.

     Fatigue. I'm tired. No, you can stay. I don't want to take a nap. My mind is constantly being bothered by questions that it conceives, and it's really getting on my nerves. Thoughts of what could have been invade my mind, giving me an inability to sleep at night. I'm always thinking about the past, and it hurts like a dagger in the heart.

     My seishi…they died for me…

     Not only for their own selfish needs did they waste away, but for mine, too. Was it a weakness—a sickness, as I would like to call it—of their character? I know that they never existed. Suppose they did? Oh? Maybe you're right…that could be very well what's making me so tired…I mean, it could be guilt. But for now I think that I'll just assume it's this damned cold.


	6. Chapter six: Suboshi

Suboshi. He was one of my seishi. I feel like thinking about him today, so I will.

     Damn me. He could have lived, went on living with his brother, but he didn't. He died for me. And what good came out of it? I really can't think of anything. He really did care for me, didn't he? And I couldn't even acknowledge his feelings with a simple, "I love you, too." 

    But I don't know if I loved him. Sure, I think about him a lot, and I get an odd feeling whenever I do. Sometimes, I expect to look behind me, and see him with his hand clasped on my shoulder, grinning. How am I supposed to know if I loved a dead person, eh? I can only _assume_ that I do—but I don't know, I have been led astray by what I think to be my emotions many a time. 

     I thought that Nagako loved me. Which most certainly wasn't true—he was a heartless bastard with his mind set on not me, but what I could do for him. Perhaps Suboshi was the same way. However, I don't think so, because one could go so far as to say (and I did) that he died for me. There are other factors leading to his death, or so I think.

     And I'm not only saying that to relieve myself of guilt. Sure, I feel bad that he had to die. One could say that he went after Miaka and Tamahome only because I hated them both, but I think it was also because he still had feelings of revenge for his brother's death, and wanted to fulfill that revenge. 

    I know…I too think that slaughtering Tamahome's siblings would have been enough to satisfy that, but I'm not him. I guess you're right…how can I be sure that he didn't do it entirely for me?

    Damn. Now I'm feeling bad again.

    Feeling bad for a boy who never existed—feeling bad for a boy, who, if you acknowledge his existence—is now dead, and I don't know why. All right. I'll say it.  I just hope that he's listening. Suboshi, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I love you too—at least, I think so. 


End file.
